The Narcoleptic Goat Sleeps Again

So, the reality of the situation hit me pretty hard during dinner tonight. Thanks to the fact that I have to work this weekend, that dinner, a mishmash of pasta to rid the cabinets of all of its contents, was the last time I’ll ever sit around that particular dinner table with my parents. This move is something that I’ve been thinking about for a long time, but it’s always been a distant whisper. Now, it’s a raging storm right outside my doorstep and I’m not sure I’m strong enough to withstand the gale. This is the first time in years that I’ve been unable to sleep due to a mind so full of thought and sadness that it could morph into a black hole. I looked for solace in the aid of fermented grapes, but to no avail. My mind still races with anxieties of the future. 

I am a worrier by nature. It’s what I do best. I worry that I’ll be able to pay rent, and that my parents will arrive safely to their final destination. I worry about how I’m going to keep my sanity without being able to vent the days frustrations at the dinner table. I worry that without my mothers uncanny ability to spot when I’m in a funk that I’ll sink into a deep spiraling depression that seems to be just beckoning on the horizon. 

Coming to grips with the fact that I won’t see my sweet little Norbu until my birthday is also adding to this pile of misery. I’ve never not had an animal companion and this new life sans a pet is going to be quite the adjustment. 

I’ve been blessed with some of the most supportive, kind, compassionate and caring of friends. I know they will help see me through this difficult time, but I know no amount of affection will bring comfort on that first night in the new apartment. 

To most having the parental unit move clear across the country is a fresh of breath air. An opportunity to live life on your own terms, and to finally spread your wings. To me, however, it signifies something much more heinous. The details of which are inappropriate for a blog of this transparency. Suffice it to say that this move conjures up feelings of abandonment, loss, and depravity no child should ever experience. I know this all sounds wildly exaggerated, but trust me, it is not.

I’m losing the two people most dear to my heart. The two people who showed me what it means to love unconditionally, even if their daughter wasn’t of blood relation. They helped me blossom into the woman that I am today, and for that I am eternally grateful. God only knows where I’d be today if not for them and the guidance they provided me. I know I’ll get to see them next year, but a lot happens in a year and the thought that I won’t be able to share my life with them so freely saddens my heart. 

I try very hard to maintain a stiff upper lip and to keep control of my emotions, and I’ve done a good job of that until this evening, when the cup that holds my sadness could hold no more and overflowed. I’m not good with goodbyes, or even with finishing a good book. Thankfully though, that’s exactly what this feels like, the end of a good book in a long series. Here’s to the sequel. 

A friend recently said I should write down all the qualities I want in a life long mate, here are just a few:

•Optimism. I see the glass as half full and will not be able to keep pulling my husband up by his own boots straps all the time.

•Fortitude. Life has handed me a few shitty hands, but I always manage push past the adversity and come out the other side. I need him to be able to do the same so we can help each other out.

•Perseverance. Again, I’ve had to crawl over some pointy mountain ranges. I want someone who will help me get past the rocky terrain.

•Honesty without brutality.

•Dedication. I’m going to be giving him my all and I want the same in return.

•Decisiveness. Someone who can make a decision, wether it be where to go for dinner or which hospital to go to when I break an ankle wearing high heels. AND THEN STICK BY THAT DECISION.

•Intelligence. I don’t mean “went to Harvard” smart. I mean, “Likes to read for fun” smart. Someone who can hold a half decent conversation about current affairs.

•Flexibility. And not of the physical kind (although that wouldn’t hurt). Someone who can go with the flow of life, who can give and take as appropriate without obtuse recognition.

•Protection. Someone who will physically, emotionally, and financially keep me from harms way.

•Fatherly. I want children one day and my husband has to want them too. And he has to be just as freaked as I am about having kids, but also play it just as cool and not actually freak.

•Loyalty.

•Trust

•Animal lover, more specifically dogs.

•Someone who can tell I had a hard day and will pour me a glass of wine and let me bitch.

•Someone who, if he wakes up before me, makes me a cup of coffee because he knows I hate waking up in the morning.

•Someone who will kill the spiders.

I guess what I’m saying is I want a male version of me, because I would do all of these things and more for the right man.

Yesterday, I took a road-trip with a friend of mine up to my Alma Mater, the University of Maine at Farmington. For those of you who don’t know, Farmington is a tiny little town in the middle of nowhere, Maine. 

At the time of the trip it was fun to be back on campus and seeing how some things have changed, but mostly things had remained the same. I hadn’t been on the UMF campus in over 6 years. 

I had flashbacks of study parties in the lounge of the dorm, late night mud wrestling, river parties, and other fun times. For a brief moment I missed those days of my youth. It’s amazing to me now that A) I managed to survive living in such a small town and B) that I didn’t manage to get into more (or any for that matter) trouble than I did. 

After some reflection, I don’t think that I’ll ever go back to Farmington. It’s a fine town with a very quaint feel to it, but that chapter of my life is over. I’ve changed A LOT since my time in Farmington. It doesn’t have the same “at home” feel to it it did six years ago. Why stay stuck in the past when I can move on to a super, ultra, mega bright future? 

I’m grateful for the time I spent in Farmington; it helped mold me into the person I am today. However, it is in the past now and that’s okay. It’s actually quite nice to have such a sense of closure. Not that I felt like anything was ever left unfinished. Now it’s time to move on to Nursing school at the University of Southern Maine. YAY!

We often hear people say, “don’t sweat the small stuff”. This is terrific advice, expect that we as a society are so conditioned to sweat the small stuff that we don’t know how not to. 

In Buddhism there is a very special painting known as The Wheel of Life. Of the many complicated themes depicted in this painting there is one in particular that focuses on the connection between experiences and the emotions those experiences produce. Emotions, according to this painting, are not just a knee jerk reaction to the experience. Instead, there is a series of steps that everyone goes through that connects the experience to the emotion.

The first step in converting an experience into emotion is to actually have an experience. There are all types of experiences; seeing something scary, watching a loved one cry, hearing a baby laugh or being cut off on the highway. The experience in and of themselves are neither good nor bad until we decide that they are, which is the second step in this process.

After one has had an experience one places a judgment on it. This judgment determines whether the experience was positive, neutral, or negative. This process of judging an experience can happen in a split second. If one is deathly scared of snakes and misjudges a coil of rope as a snake then immediately the mind determines crossing paths with a snake to be a negative experience.

The third step in the process is to take that judgment and attach a thought or a feeling to it. If one is deathly scared of snakes and makes the judgment that crossing paths with one is a negative experience then it is likely that one attach the feeling of fear to that judgment.

Only after these three steps have taken place can one take action, which is the fourth and final step to the process. In the snake example a reaction one might have is to run in the opposite direction of the snake. Another reaction one might have is to face one’s fear and confront the snake only to find that it is, in fact, just a coil of rope; in which case one might feel differently about the experience.

This process also works with positive and neutral experiences as well. For example, if one experiences the laughter of a baby and deems this experience as positive, then it is likely that one will attach the feeling of happiness to hearing the baby laugh and may smile at the baby.

This process of attaching judgments to experiences happens multiple times a day. It can happen seemingly automatically, or one can be aware of the process as it happens. Awareness of the process won’t change the process, but it can affect the outcome of the process.

The act of letting go is simply the active awareness one has of an experience and the emotions and judgments one places on that experience. There is one technique in particular that has helped me the most. It is simple, yet effective.

When I am experiencing something, whether it be negative or positive, I take a moment to close my eyes and take a deep breath. If it’s a negative experience then I ask myself “Why is this a negative experience? What can be done to change this into a positive experience?” Then I take the appropriate action. Often times, the emotion I feel during a negative experience is mostly due the lack of control I feel over the situation. Again, I simply breathe and try to let the moment pass. When I am having a positive experience the process is pretty much the same. I’ll take a moment to close my eyes and take a deep breath. Then I’ll ask myself, “Why is this a positive experience?” And then I try my damnedest to fill my heart with the feeling I’m experiencing so that I can call upon it later.

In the few months that I’ve been trying to be actively aware of my reaction to life’s experiences I’ve noticed that I’ve become much more mellow, and have less need to be in control of every minute detail. I’ve also noticed how truly wonderful my life really is and I’ve started to have greater appreciation for the little things. It sounds cheesy, but it’s totally true. 

By letting becoming aware of why I’m feeling a particular emotion I’ve been able to let go of the need for control and the need for expectation. This isn’t to say that I’ve totally relinquished my controlling ways, but I’ve made vast improvements in my ability to roll with the punches, so to speak. And these improvements have my life more carefree, less stressful, and more magical.

Not a whole lot happened today. I spent part of the morning with Brett before he had to go to work and then I pretty much slept until Dianna got home. We had dinner and dished about nights and then we started an “Underworld” marathon. I went to bed after the second movie. I think tomorrow will be another resting day.

Today was a full day! I woke up early because I thought I would be driving with Dianna to work and then taking the car. Instead we went to the Gateway Arch and took a riverboat ride on the Mississippi River. After that we went on a quest to find Dinkin’ Dounuts coffee. What should have been a 15 minute trip tops turned I to an hour long scenic tour of the city. Coffee never tasted so good. Once we had our coffee we headed to the butterfly house. It was pretty amazing! And it was super nice to have someone to share the experience with. After we left the butterfly house we went to Dianna’s doctor appointment. We hadn’t been there more than 5 minutes and everyone was laughing hysterically!! It’s a very progressive doctor’ office.
When we got home from our outing I napped for a little while while Dianna started the grill for dinner. After we ate we both got ready for Showtune Tuesday at a local gay bar. Let me tell you! More places in Maine need to have such a day. I was in hog heaven. I was singing and dancing and utilizing the pole. It was a blast. When we got home I meet Brett, Dianna’s upstairs neighbor. It was good times.

Nothing major happened today. I woke up before Dianna did and headed out to do some more sightseeing. I knew she had had a long night and needed to get some work done from home, so I let her sleep in while I went out. 

I went to the West County Center, which is just a really huge ass mall. I was on a quest to find a suvoner for my father, that man is impossible to shop for. Well, actually, he isn’t. He’s quite easy to shop for because I know he will appreciate anything I get him, but I like to find gifts that have a personal touch to them and that’s where it gets tricky with him. The gifts that have the personal touch are things I could more or less find at home and I want to get him something that’s uniquely St. Louis in nature. Not at easy task. Needless to say after hours at the mall I came up empty handed yet again. I have faith that I’ll find something at the Gateway Arch, or possibly the Brewery. 

When I got home Dianna and Dave were watching a movie and when it was over they relinquished the remote to me. I put on a Bollywood flick. Dianna fell asleep less than half way through and Dave left shortly after at about 4:30pm. I spent the rest of the afternoon and early evening watching TV until that got to be too boring and decided to tidy up my suitcase. I’m starting to get a little worried that my suitcase might be too small for all my stuff. I won’t know for sure until I go to pack everything on Friday night. EEK!

Well, it’s about 9:30 and my mind has gone numb from all the TV I watched today. I’m probably going to play a game online and then go to sleep. Tomorrow, I’m going to go to the Galleria to pick up an item real quick before I head to the butterfly house. Should be fun!!

This morning Dianna and I woke up fairly early, for a Sunday anyway, and went to breakfast at First Watch. After breakfast we went back to the apartment and did a little sunbathing before going to get our nails done. I wasn’t too impressed with the quality of the job done, but thankfully I’ll be home soon and can get it all fixed.
After we got our nails done we took care of some chores and I totally fell asleep part way through the day. Dianna had a sad day and I helped to cheer her up. When we got home we made fajitas and watched a movie. It was a pretty mellow day, which was quite nice.
Tomorrow I’m thinking of getting my eyebrows done because they’re looking absolutely gross. Other than that I don’t really have any plans. I might go to a museum or take a tour of the brewery.

This morning Dianna and I both woke up with massive hangovers. I didn’t get to bed until close to 3:30am and she stayed up even later. When we finally unassed our beds to take some ibuprofen we decided to go out for breakfast. Dianna took a shower, which for me would have required too much energy so I just brushed my hair and got dressed. We went to IHOP and had a very large, very filling brunch. 

When we got home we took our respective horizontal positions on the couch and watched a few episodes of The Cleveland Show before passing out. I didn’t wake up again until 4:30pm. When I did wake up I finally had the energy to take a shower. We decided to grill some steak for dinner and proceeded to do so. 

On my way back from the store I started to think about Freddy and then I got incredibly homesick. I was even more emotional when I got home and I started to cry a bit. I love being on vacation. I love St. Louis. And while it feels like I’ve always lived here I’m really missing being home. 

I’m going to continue enjoying my time here while I can, but I’m sure glad I’ll be going home in the next week. I have a lot to think about and it’ll be nice to talk it through with my mother and get her perspective on things. Regardless of what happens this trip has changed my life. 

Today I slept in until around 10:30am. While Dianna was at her doctor’s appointment I took a shower and got ready for the day. When she got home I took the car and went to the AKC Museum of the Dog. 

I had some trepidation about going, since it’s only been two weeks since I lost my beloved Freddy, but I decided that this was something I should to regardless. The first gallery was really nice and had a mix of paintings and sculptures. While I was making my way to the second gallery the lady at the front desk asked me what kind of dog I had. I explained to her about Fred and was really on the edge of tears. She said there was a painting in the Dogs of War exhibit that she thought I would like. After our conversation I made my way to second gallery and found the painting she was talking about. When I first saw it all the breath left my lungs and I started sobbing. The painting looked exactly like Freddy. I sat in front of the painting for a solid 15 minutes sorting out my feelings. 

After I regained my composure I looked over the Dogs of War exhibit and started to cry again. It was a really moving tribute to all the dogs that had gone to war. I swiftly made way over to the third gallery which was dedicated to dogs who serve as canine police dogs for the county and city of St. Louis. This exhibit was all also very moving and made me tear up again. 

Before I left the museum I checked out the gift shop. The lady there asked me about my dog and I had to go that song and dance all over again. I ended up getting a new chew toy for our future pup. Afterwards I tried to figure out when and where the next Anheuser-Bush brewery tour was, but I was having some issues with the internet on my phone. I gave up in frustration and decided it was best to just go home.

When I got home I rested up for a little bit and had some wine. Dianna and I got ready for the Blues Festival. The festival was not at all what we were expecting so after grabbing a bite to eat and a quick drink we headed to Washington Avenue. 

As we were looking for a few places that had been suggested we try out we found one called The Jive and Wail, a dueling piano bar. It was SO MUCH FUN! Dianna and I proceeded to have drinks, sing along with the players, and dance our asses off. It was amazingly awesome. One of the piano players was super cute and I was googoo eyed all night. Another amazing fact about St. Louis: the bars don’t close until 3am. Needless to say, I spent way too much money on alcohol, but it was totally worth it. 

When we got home Dianna and I kept the party going for a few hours and then we eventually passed out. 

Today was a nice mellow day. I slept in until about 9:30-10:00am. When I woke up I found that the noise that had startled me in the night was actually the cats, most likely Bob, knocking over some flowers that were on the kitchen table. After cleaning that up and tidying the rest of the living space I proceeded to watch four Bollywood films. In between the second and third film I did manage to peel myself off the. Couch long enough to take a shower and have something to eat.
At around 7:30pm Dianna got home from her day and we chatted for few hours before I went to the store to grab some more wine. When I got back I made some dinner and we begged out on the couch watching the last episode of House, M.D. still not too sure how I feel about that.
Needless to say, we rescheduled our dinner date with her boss for next week. Tomorrow I’m going to go to the AKC Museum. This weekend we’re going to go festival hopping and check out the St. Louis night scene. It should be especially hopping since its memorial day weekend!!
My face is still a little red from walking in the sun so much yesterday, but the rest of my body has recovered nicely. I should be nice and bronze by the time I get home.

Today was a busy, busy day! I woke up early and headed off to the history museum first thing in the morning. I got the museum a little early and decided to stop by the visitor’s center to pick up some maps of Forest Park and the surrounding attractions. It wasn’t until I got back to the museum that I realized I wasn’t just a few minutes early, but an entire hour early!! I chilled in the car and read my pamphlets while listening to music.
When 10am finally rolled around I headed I side the museum. I paid to get into two special exhibits they were showing. One was on the evolution of the fire department system in St. Louis, and the other was on the Civil War in Missouri. The Civil War exhibit was much more engaging and I thought more informative than the exhibit on fire. If I had known prior to purchasing the tickets I only would have gone to the one on the Civil War. After seeing those two exhibits I saw a few more; one was in the 1904 World’s Fair, another was on hunger and resiliency and the last one was one the history if city of St. Louis. It was a very nice museum.
After the history museum I decided to walk over to the art museum. I should have brought my map with me because I ended up getting turned around a little bit. Instead of making a direct bee line to the art museum I wondered around the park a little bit. This wasn’t totally a bad thing because I got to see the Boat House and the World’s Fair Pavilion on my way.
I was slightly disappointed when I got to the art museum because they were between special exhibits, however, this did mean entrance to the museum was totally free. I saw all kinds of art and “art”. It was really nice to be able to take my time. There were a few paintings that really struck me and
I stated at them for a long time, but for the most part I looked at the pieces as I walked by them.
By the time I was fI e with the art museum my feet were killing me. I really do need to invest in some proper walking shoes. When I got home I had a salad and a few glasses of wine while I watched tv.
At 5:15 Dianna and I started getting ready to go out to dinner. We went to a place called Bar Louis. It was really quite nice! I got a portobello burger and several drinks. It was so nice to sit outside and chat. I really am falling in love with this city.
When we got home we watched a movie and are now heading to bed. We’re having dinner with some of her friends tomorrow night and I might go to the AKC Dog Museum. We’ll see how I’m feeling tomorrow. I’d like a day to relax at the house, but I can always do that next week.
I can’t believe I’ve already been here a week and that my time is quickly coming to an end. Something needs to be done about this…

Today started out a little bumpy, but totally ended in the right note.
I woke up super early so that I could take a shower and wash out all of the hairspray from the day before. Unfortunately, I had stayed far later than I normally do the night before and was super tired in the morning. After my shower I promptly fell back to sleep.
Dianna woke me about am hour or so later and I ran out the front door. Just as we’re about to get to place of employment I realized I had left my phone at the apartment. I have an app on my phone that helps me to navigate the STL metro and I was planning on going to zoo and wanted my camera. Dianna assured me that I would be able to navigate my way back to the apartment.
After dropping her off at work I headed back to retrieve my phone and do my hair. Not only did I make it back in one piece, but I also drove on highway!! This has been something I’ve been avoiding because the highways out here are easily twice the size of the highways at home and are a bit intimidating.
Once everything was right with world I headed for the zoo. I spent about six hours just meandering through the exhibits.
The first stop I made was to the sting ray pool. I had made it just in time for breakfast and actually got to feed a few of them. It was a really experience.
After the sting rays I tried to walk the main perimeter of the zoo and see each section.
After about two and a half hours of walking I could feel that I was growing tired so I took the the train to the side of the park with the elephants. All zoos should have such a feature. Anyway, I spent a solid hour watching the elephants. They were so much fun to watch and by far my favorite! ;-)
Once I had seen the elephants I didn’t much care if I saw anything else and would have happily left, but Forest Park is huge and I didn’t want to have to deal with reparking the car, so I visited all of the exhibits.
It was a really nice day because I was able to slowly meander through the zoo and see exhibits I wanted to see, when I wanted to see them. However, it would have been nice to have been able to share the experience with someone. I felt like a mute all day. Such is life.
After the zoo I went to pick up Dianna and we went to dinner at Elephant Bar. It was super yummy! And super cheap. I walked out of there having had dinner and a drink for less than $25. I couldn’t believe it. Plus, our waiter was very nice and very nice to look at.
When we got home Dianna and I set up the queen sized air mattress and I finished my laundry. Then I headed out to Old Navy.
I swore I wouldn’t buy any clothes on this trip, but I really needed a pair of shorts. I wear sundresses all the time at home, but at home I’m not walking around tourist attractions.
Now I’m all ready for bed and an even earlier day tomorrow. I haven’t quite decided what I’ll do yet, but I have some time to figure it out. I love being on vacation!!

I didn’t do much today, but what did do left me completely drained of energy. 

I woke up early and got ready for the day. Dianna had a doctor’s appointment before work and while she was taking care of that I took the car and explored the ‘city’ of Chesterfield. I ended up getting a new manicure, which I desperately needed. 

When I was done with my manicure I picked Dianna up from her appointment and we headed to her place of work. She showed me around the office and then escorted me to the MetroLink. 

I took the train (by myself!) to the Galleria. I hadn’t planned on spending more than two hours tops at the mall, but the damn thing was so big I was there from 10:30-2:30, and I didn’t even see all of it. The only reason I left was because Dianna had called me so we could go to lunch. If I had known it would take me so long to explore the mall I would have worn better shoes! 

I took the train back to Dianna’s office and we walked a few blocks to a really nice place for lunch. The service was super slow, but the food was SO GOOD. After lunch we went back to Dianna’s office and while she worked I continued to do some research on things to do and sights to see. 

At 6:00 Dianna’s friend, Simon, met up with us and we all went back to the apartment. We sat around in the livingroom drinking and having a few laughs. After a few hours we ordered pizza and watched a few episodes of “Family Guy”. 

I haven’t quite decided what I’m going to do tomorrow, but I’m not short on ideas. We’ll see how I’m feeling and what the weather is like. For now, I’m going to continue enjoying the company.

Today didn’t quite go as planned, but the nice thing about being on vacation is that there is no such thing as a planned day.

Dianna and I both woke fairly early. While she went to the store I made breakfast and took a shower. When I got out we went sunbathing on the front patio before getting ready to meet up with Jessica and Alana for lunch.

Apparently, I was the only one out of the four of us that thought going to Sweetie Pie’s would take an excruciatingly long time. I was reassured by the others, however, that it wouldn’t take too long, so we get in line. Turns out I was right. We were in line for two fucking hours. Now, normally, I don’t mind waiting for things. I can be a very patient person. However, when I’m standing in 90+ degree heat with nasty ass humidity and my blood sugar rapidly dropping I can get pretty nasty. It took all of my energy to stay standing, let lone not snap at anyone. About an hour or so of waiting I just stopped interacting with everyone. It too much energy that I didn’t have.

When we finally get to eat I was slightly disappointed. I was expecting this amazing culinary experience and I was severely let down. I make better Mac n’ Cheese, the fried chicken was okay, and honestly if you screw up mashed potatoes you don’t deserve to be in the kitchen. Everyone enjoyed their meal, but I wouldn’t be rushing to go back if I lived in the area.

I’m going to have to watch the up coming episodes to see if we made it on TV or not. There was a camera set up aimed at the line to get in and there were cameras all over the restaurant. I almost don’t care. Almost. It would be pretty cool to see myself on TV so long as the shot wasn’t of me with a half eaten chicken wing sticking out my mouth.

Needless to say, I was pretty drained and in a food coma by the time Dianna and I made it home. Because it took us so long to get lunch we were late getting back to the apartment so she could get ready for her date. While she frantically got dressed and pretty, I cleaned the apartment. We made a good team if I do say so myself. 

When her date arrived I opened the door and we all chilled for a few minutes as they tried to wait out the storm. When they left I gathered addresses to all the attractions and museums that I want to go to while here in Missouri.

I might go get my nails done, do some laundry, and watch a movie. Regardless of what I do it will be a nice mellow evening in. Which is perfect considering that the rest of my time here will be pretty busy!!